I woke up this morning
merging from the dream into the bed
into the opaque early morning birds twittering and cussing about
the wind that had been blowing its head off all night and still roaring.
twice in the night I had got up to close the door to the verandah after it had blown open.
the second time I said oh fuck very loudly and climbed back into bed disgruntled with the wind and the effort of getting up.
I slid back into bed into the dream …
somehow yesterday morning I got out of the wrong side of the bed and fretted fussed and cried over spilt milk of whatever grabbed my gall
refugees our local council stupid stupid politicians
anything everything I spat chips.
hey says John you’ re angry
sorry love and I snuggled down onto his chest breathing deeply and sanely back into connection with me myself I and the rest of it all
but it didn’t last that long.
I got most of the way thru my yoga practice gave up on the meditation my head too full and busy with bullshit.
after porridge I went to Bermagui to visit the doctor
not an everyday occurrence for me, more in the hardly ever realm.
under duress I went advised by my case manager to compile a body of evidence to show why I cannot be expected to work.
Oh dear the truth is out
I am a hopeless case an all time bludger a no good layabout
a want it all for nothing sort of person.
where is your work ethic girl?
looking at thirty years of chopping wood, carrying water, digging and shoveling ,cooking and cleaning, making and creating home family garden community …
of time always available for life and death
time for soup for the sick, meals for the poor, chats with the depressed, cuppas and creative plans and celebrations with the river and the forest and the flowers and the birds and the air and the rainbow and the mountain.
of time for circles of healing and ceremonies of planetary business
of time to be .
so there I am this morning merging into wakefulness my head still pressed into the pillow my face turned towards the windows and my body warm and soft and I say …oh fuck …
and then I heard myself and I have been feeling guilty all day.
what a way to wake up girl.
how rude how sad how out of it????
ok my head was hurting and I am so sick of that state but really no excuse I say to myself sweeping the floor no excuse I say to the self doing yoga the self bringing in kindling the self dreaming in the spring garden.
pushing my back hard against the mud brick wall I mutter sorry sorry so sorry
this life this most precious gift and my response on waking this morning was oh fuck.
the sky so magnificently blue not a cloud to mar the perfect clarity
the spotted turtle dove lands on the tank for a drink and I sing
“two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree”
the new hollands are making out in the daphne bush or were they arguing, hard to tell sometimes with birds the love act itself is so quick and covers much jostling and chasing that well…
the swallows are completing work on the interior of the nest
the wongas continue their stately walk around the yard and wallabies take shortcuts across the verandah.
and whom is it I apologise to?
to you goddess to you my friends to you my self divine
wake up get a grip as they say.
sitting in the surgery waiting my turn watching a foreign language movie unravel between receptionist and patients and nurse and doctor and ins and outs and tick tock tick tock tick tock…
an hour late he appears and welcomes me into his office.
here I am in the heartland of the white coats as Carole calls them
don’t tell her I am here she will give me a right telling off
do I want any help he asks or am I happy left alone?
there are preventive measures he wants to suggest but decides not to push it and leaves chat of pap smears, mammograms and heart stress tests for another time.
That’s what happens when you take your family into the room with you
all of a sudden you become a repository of all that has previously gone wrong.
how would you feel about a blood test? he asks this nice young man dressed so casually in jeans with his sparkling eyes and dark curly hair.
I might be able to do that I reply .
previously when I had blood to give I gave it month by month to the Mother to the garden to the renewal of life itself.
that gave him a form to fill out which complimented his function and I left one visit down in my evidence kit.